55. What we admire in others and shun in ourselves

Data point of the week

According to Brené Brown, we often see vulnerability as a strength in others, but a weakness in ourselves. “We love seeing raw truth and openness in other people, but we are afraid to let them see it in us. Vulnerability is courage in you and inadequacy in me.”

This was backed up by a study of German students who were asked to imagine either themselves or someone else in different vulnerable situations: confessing romantic feelings for a best friend, admitting a costly mistake at work, or baring their imperfect bodies at a swimming pool. As predicted, students saw vulnerability in a more positive light when it was someone else—not themselves—going out on a limb!

Reflection
It's hard to feel close with someone if your conversations never go beyond surface level, or you feel you’re being held at arm’s length. Getting to know people requires mutual self-disclosure … and that can feel vulnerable.

As an introvert, I used to get called “reserved” a lot when I was younger, which is probably a kinder way of saying quiet and hard to get to know. I didn’t share much … because I didn’t have practice and didn’t think people would be interested. This meant that other people had to take the lead in sharing first, or asking questions, and then I would follow.

Over time I realized that small, incremental emotional risks pay off. One of the benefits of getting older is feeling more comfortable being myself – and not feeling the need to carefully monitor everything I say or how I present myself. Constant self-monitoring is exhausting, and not very fun. So yes, it’s more vulnerable to express an un-curated self, but so worth it!

Connection Skill & Action Step: Be (appropriately) vulnerable. Share.

Vulnerability and openness take practice, ideally in incremental steps and in a safe environment. Playing it safe, (not being who you are and not sharing about yourself) makes it harder for people to get to know you, and can lead to shallower, less satisfying relationships. On the other hand, putting it all out there can lead to feeling overexposed—or if there isn’t a relational foundation—can alienate people.

To practice this skill, assess where you fall on the vulnerability/self-disclosure/emotional risk-taking spectrum (if you’re not sure, ask a few friends). Would you like to open up a little more, or rein it in a bit? Some examples of being more vulnerable include:

• Taking your conversation to a deeper level by asking more personal questions or sharing something personal about yourself.

• Going beyond “I’m fine” and letting someone how you’re really feeling. Asking other people how they’re feeling and really listening to the response.

• Taking an emotional risk by:

  • Inviting a newer friend or acquaintance to get together

  • Setting a boundary or being honest about something that upset you

  • Expressing gratitude, appreciation, or otherwise letting someone know that they’re important to you

And of course, if you haven’t seen it yet, Brené Brown’s TED Talk, The Power of Vulnerability, is one of most popular TED talks of all time and worth watching.

Questions (Please share your responses in the comments):
What do you think constitutes appropriate and inappropriate vulnerability?