55. Be (appropriately) vulnerable. It instantly makes people feel closer.
Vulnerability inspires empathy, which instantly makes us feel closer.
Case in point: I'm a big fan of Queer Eye, so I was more than a little upset to find out that Bobby was no longer on the show. (What, the Fab 5 have broken up???!!!) Out of loyalty to Bobby, I felt standoffish toward his replacement, Jeremiah. But, he won me over in the 2nd episode when he was moved to tears. All it took was a little vulnerability. He was moved, and I was moved that he was moved, and just like that, he was IN.
Data point of the week
According to Brené Brown, we often see vulnerability as a strength in others, but a weakness in ourselves. “We love seeing raw truth and openness in other people, but we are afraid to let them see it in us. Vulnerability is courage in you and inadequacy in me.”
This was backed up by a study of German students who were asked to imagine either themselves or someone else in different vulnerable situations: confessing romantic feelings for a best friend, admitting a costly mistake at work, or baring their imperfect bodies at a swimming pool. As predicted, students saw vulnerability in a more positive light when it was someone else—not themselves—going out on a limb!
Reflection
It's hard to feel close with someone if your conversations stay surface level, or you feel you’re being held at arm’s length. Getting to know people requires mutual sharing of who we are and what matters to us … and that can feel vulnerable.
As an introvert, I used to get called “reserved” a lot when I was younger, which is probably a kinder way of saying quiet and hard to get to know. I didn’t share much … because I didn’t have practice and wasn’t sure if people would be interested. I let other people take the lead and share first, or ask questions, then I would follow.
Over time I realized that it’s not really fair to always make other people go first. And that there are big pay offs to taking small emotional risks. One of the (few) things I love about getting older is feeling more comfortable with myself, caring (a little) less about what people think, and not feeling the need to carefully monitor what I say/do. Self-monitoring is exhausting! Being vulnerable can feel exposing, (and, well, vulnerable) but so worth it!
Connection Skill & Action Step: Be (appropriately) vulnerable. Share.
Vulnerability, openness, and sharing take practice. What’s the right amount?
Playing it safe, or under-sharing, makes it hard for people to get to know you and can lead to shallower, less satisfying relationships. On the other hand, putting it all out there can lead to feeling overexposed—or if there isn’t a relational foundation—can alienate people.
It helps to practice vulnerability in incremental steps, to assess whether it’s a trustworthy relationship and safe environment, and to build intimacy.
To practice this skill, ask yourself where you fall on the vulnerability/self-disclosure/emotional risk-taking spectrum? If you’re not sure, you can ask a few people who know you. Would you like to open up a little more, or rein it in a bit? Some examples of being more vulnerable include.
Taking your conversation to a deeper level by asking more personal questions or sharing something personal about yourself.
Going beyond “I’m fine” and letting someone how you’re really feeling. Asking other people how they’re feeling and really listening to the response.
Taking an emotional risk by:
Setting a boundary or being honest about something that upset you.
Expressing gratitude, appreciation, or otherwise letting someone know that they’re important to you.
And, if you haven’t seen it yet, Brené Brown’s TED Talk, The Power of Vulnerability, is one of most popular TED talks of all time and worth watching.
Questions (Please share your responses in the comments):
Do you tend to wear your heart on your sleeve, or play your cards close to your chest?
