65. Give support that’s supportive (and doesn't suck you dry)
Would you say you’re more of a giver or receiver? Do you think one is “better” than the other? Most of us do … and we’re wrong. Here’s what the research says:
Data point of the week
In a study titled, The balance of giving versus receiving social support and all-cause mortality in a US national sample, the researchers found that:
“Participants who were relatively balanced in the support they gave compared to what they received had a lower risk of all-cause mortality than those who either disproportionately received support from others (e.g., received more hours of support than they gave each month) or disproportionately gave support to others (e.g., gave many more hours of support a month than they received).”
Reflection
Giving and receiving are equally important to our health and the health of our relationships. Ideally, we want to achieve a balance. However, we have more control over giving support than receiving it.
When we offer compassion, support, and generosity, people are more likely to respond in kind. The advice to give what you want to receive makes sense. If you want to feel loved, be loving. If you want to feel you belong, include others and make them feel welcome. Be the kind of friend you want to have.
Yes, it can be hard to be giving when we feel down or lack emotional resources, but when we make the effort to put out something positive, it often comes back to us.
However, as this study points out, there is such a thing as over-giving and it can be harmful to your health!
How can you tell when your giving crosses into unhealthy territory? For me, a telltale sign is resentment. When I feel a tightening in my chest in response to a request—or the instinctive urge to protect my time—it's a signal that something is off-balance. I may need to pull back or set a boundary. Listen to your body and emotions.
That doesn’t to only be giving when it feels comfortable and easy. Sometimes the people we care about need us when we’re already stretched thin. When the timing is inconvenient. Instead of asking yourself, “Is this enjoyable? Does it feel good?” ask, “How do I want to show up in this moment? How do I feel about this relationship? How would I want other people to show up for me if I were in this situation?”
Photo by Neil Thomas
Connection Skill & Action Step: Offer specific, practical help and support
Not all “help” is helpful. Like the friend who jumps in with solutions when you just want someone to listen. Or the relative who comes to help but is a houseguest who needs to be looked after.
When someone is going through a crisis, loss, or health problem, we often say, “Let me know what I can do to help.”
While well-intentioned, people are unlikely to take you up on these broad, open-ended offers. Why? The person in crisis is often too overwhelmed to identify their needs, much less articulate them. Vague offers like this transfer the emotional labor—of assessing needs, deciding what would be useful, and asking for help—onto the person who’s struggling. Most people are uncomfortable asking for help even if it’s (sort of) been offered.
A more helpful approach is to make a specific offer. For example,
“I’m free Saturday morning. Do you want me to take your kids to give you some time alone?”
“You mentioned feeling overwhelmed by the yard. Can I rake your leaves?” Or,
“What are the top 3 things that are overwhelming you? Maybe I can help with one of them.”
If you have a friend, co-worker, or family member who’s struggling, is there practical support you can (and want to) offer?
Questions to generate reflection and conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—I love hearing from you!
Have you ever received help that wasn’t helpful?
In your experience, when does it feel good to give? When does it feel bad to give?
Offer a ride!