110. Put words to loneliness … share how it feels
Holidays—times when people traditionally come together—can heighten feelings of loneliness.
The contrast between how we’re “supposed” to feel (deeply connected) and what our lives are “supposed” to look like (surrounded by people we love), versus the reality (loneliness), is more blatant, unavoidable, and in-your-face than other times of year. Everyone around us seems to be connecting. It can be deeply painful if we’re not.
So, what better time to burst that fantasy bubble and pull back the curtains on loneliness?! In all the years I've been writing about loneliness, I've never really talked about how it FEELS. That seems like an oversight. That's what today's post is about.
I believe that the more we’re able to put words to the feelings of loneliness, and share the experience, the more we’ll:
Break the silence and stigma surrounding loneliness.
Help other lonely people feel less alone.
Open the door to connection and support and give permission for others to share their own stories.
Yes, it feels vulnerable and a little scary.
Let's start by talking about the signs of chronic loneliness. This is not meant to pathologize. Loneliness is a normal and common human experience. You can think of it like thirst or hunger … a signal that you need something you’re missing.
Data point of the week: What are the signs of chronic loneliness?
The experience of loneliness varies widely. However, these are some of the most common signs (adapted from Cigna). If you can relate to one or more of these items, you may be dealing with chronic loneliness:
You lack connection with others on a deeper, more intimate level. You may have friends and family in your life, but your interactions and relationships stay on a surface level (for example, casual friends or acquaintances) or are unsatisfying. You feel disconnected from the people in your life.
You don't have any close or "best" friends, people who truly “get” you, or who you can talk to about who you are and how you're doing.
You have overwhelming feelings of isolation/disconnection regardless of where you are and who’s around. You can be surrounded by people still feel isolated, separate, and alone. It’s as if you’re in your own impenetrable bubble.
You have negative feelings of self-worth. You may experience sadness, heightened anxiety, or symptoms of depression.
You feel exhausted by efforts to engage socially.
You feel like you’re different. An outsider.
Reflection
Loneliness is hard to describe … but I'll try to put words to how I've experienced it at different times. (I’m no poet or creative writer … think of this like a free-writing exercise that I invite you to try as well).
Loneliness can feel...
Like a dull pervasive ache … or a sharp pain.
Heavy, dark, and cold. Like a dense cloud—or thick sludge—that muffles and obscures.
Distancing. Even if I'm with people it makes me far away.
Like a barrier separating me from other people. Like a thick wall of ice between us. I can still see and interact with people, but I don't feel warmth or connection. Even if I intellectually know people love me and care about me, I can’t feel it. It becomes inaccessible.
Like I'm becoming smaller, or invisible. I feel unseen, overlooked, like I don't matter.
Like being a slug under a dark rock. Raw, exposed, hypersensitive (to real or perceived judgments, threats, sharpness) … and at the same time, gross and repellent. It can feel as if I'm exuding a subtle toxicity that drives people away.
Shameful and embarrassing—something to be hidden.
Like a gnawing hunger.
Unsettling. Like my mind is turning on me. It tells me that people don't care about me, that I’m worthless. I can’t tell what is thought distortion and what’s real.
Loneliness can feel a lot like Remus Lupin's description of Dementors in Harry Potter:
“Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them... Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you. If it can, the Dementor will feed on you long enough to reduce you to something like itself... soulless and evil. You will be left with nothing but the worst experiences of your life, and you will just be an empty shell that lost its soul.”
I’m grateful to say that loneliness is now an infrequent visitor, when it used to be a familiar feeling. If you’re lonely, you can get through it too.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Put words to loneliness. Share it.
It can be valuable to put your experience into words. Here are 3 ways to do that:
Articulate it to yourself. If you find writing helpful, consider journaling about how you would describe the feeling of loneliness. Complete the sentence, “Loneliness feels…” several times. Play around with metaphors. Give loneliness a persona.
Share it with someone you trust. Is there a safe, supportive person in your life that you can talk to about this? It may feel like a vulnerable thing to share, but you can start small to “test the waters” and see how they respond. Who knows, they may be grateful that you opened the door to allow them to share their own experiences.
Find community. You are not alone in this. If you feel alone and want to connect with other people who “get it,” consider joining The Secret to Making Friends as an Adult group starting in January. This will be a supportive space to help participants create deeper more meaningful connection in their lives. You can learn more and join the wait list HERE.
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—we love hearing from you! You can share anonymously if you like.
Did any of these descriptions resonate with you?
How would you describe the feeling of loneliness? Complete the sentence, “Loneliness feels…”
Sometimes it just takes a little extra attention to break through.