59. Comparison: thief of joy or secret to success?
We humans love to compare. How do we measure up compared to our friends, neighbors, and co-workers? (This urge is heightened in competitive work environments.) If the social comparisons are negative, it eats away at our mental health and well-being. It was bad enough when our comparison pool was limited to our local community, but social media is like a magnifying glass for this, because it’s infinitely expanded our opportunities for comparison (yay!) … to anyone and everyone.
Data point of the week
A study that looked at the impact of Facebook use on depression, found that using Facebook in and of itself does not increase depression. However, experiencing envy in response to posts led to significant increases in depressive symptoms. So, Facebook (and presumably other social media) doesn’t cause depression … it causes envy, which causes depression.
Then there’s the interesting research on comparing incomes. It turns out that satisfaction with income has less to do with an absolute amount (as long as basic needs are met) and more to do with your income relative to your co-workers or neighbors. For example, people tend to be more satisfied making $50,000 when the people around them are making the same or less, than they would be making $75,000 when the people around them are making $100,000. It’s hard to be the one that’s making less or has less.
This same dynamic plays out on a larger level. Studies show that countries with the largest income disparities have the lowest levels of life satisfaction. The more wealth the top 1% accumulates, the lower the level of life satisfaction and the more negative daily emotions (stress, worry, anger) citizens experience. The income disparity in U.S. has been steadily widening over the last few decades … into a gaping chasm. (This has wide-ranging social and political repercussions, and the impact on life satisfaction goes well beyond negative social comparison … but that’s a topic for someone else’s newsletter. I’m concerned with the impact it has on connection.)
Reflection
Negative social comparisons—with people who are more successful/popular/attractive/wealthy/fill in the blank, make us focus on what we don’t have, haven’t accomplished, or are outright failing at. Compare and despair.
Worse, when we feel envy, we may resent a friend’s success instead of celebrating it, leaving a bitter taste in the mouth, and potentially eroding our connection.
But there’s another way…
What if we chose to see negative self-comparison as a signal? Instead of feeling bad about ourselves, first for not measuring up, and second, for harboring envy and resentment at someone else’s success, what if we asked ourselves, “Is this a sign that (whatever I’ve feeling envious about) is something I care about and want for myself?”
If so, comparison could provide the motivational fuel you need to pursue a goal rather than being an instrument of self-flagellation. It’s proof that someone has gone before, and if they can do it, so can you!
In his 3-2-1 newsletter, James Clear suggests a simple guideline: If you are looking for misery, compare your accomplishments with other people’s. If you are looking for guidance, learning, and growth, compare your actions or processes with other people’s. How did they get from point A to point B? What specific actions led to their success, and how do these compare to the actions you are taking?
Action Step: Don’t compare yourself to others… except sometimes
Comparison can be the thief of joy OR the secret to success. Here are a few tips to tilt you in the success direction.
Pay attention to how comparing yourself to others—in-person and online—affects your mood. We have a window into the lives of the uber-rich and famous like never before. Is what you’re consuming generating envy, dissatisfaction with your own life, inspiration, or is it simply entertainment?
Choose WHO you compare yourself with. If you have a goal or aspiration, pick someone who’s a little further ahead of you on the path you’ve chosen. They can provide clues as to how they got there.
When you feel envy, think of it as a signal letting you know you want something. Can the person who triggered your envy serve as inspiration? Can you celebrate their success? What can you learn from them?
Notice if envy (dissatisfaction, resentment, etc.) is a reaction to inequities. As mentioned above, income (and other) disparities increase negative emotions. If your emotions are in response to injustices, are there actions you can take to help address this in your organization, community, or nationally?
Questions (Please share your responses in the comments):
How has comparing yourself to others affected you, negatively and positively?
Is there anyone that has served as a source of inspiration—not envy—for you?
