70. How the battle over your attention affects your relationships
Do you feel like your attention is constantly being pulled in multiple directions? That’s because it is!
Data point of the week
According to an article in Forbes, our minds are wandering for almost half (47%) of our waking hours.
Worse, a much-quoted study by Microsoft Corp. found that people generally lose concentration after eight seconds, a full second less than the 9-second attention span of a goldfish!
Reflection
Ever feel like Dory from Finding Nemo—forgetting what you were thinking just moments before? You’re not alone.
Fun Fact: Dory isn't a goldfish, she's a blue tang. And her three-second memory is a personal character trait, not a fish thing. This fun little tidbit of information has been brought to you by Google. Proof that it is indeed hard to concentrate and resist attentional detours, like a good ol’ Google search.
The constant bombardment of stimuli, interruptions, and notifications have eroded our ability to focus. (BTW, if you’re interested in this topic, I highly recommend the book Stolen Focus by Johann Hari.)
Being able to focus is incredibly important—not only for productivity, but also to our relationships. Sure, it’s obvious that paying attention to people builds connection … yet being truly present with someone is NOT easy! Our wandering minds need to be constantly reined in.
Our attention spans have adjusted to high levels of stimuli—and bursts of dopamine—to stay engaged. It’s hard for everyday conversation to compete.
Ignoring bids for connection has been shown to damage relationships. It’s clear when someone isn’t giving you their full attention. Even toddlers can tell when you’re checked out. And it can lead to reciprocal disengagement—because who wants to be vulnerable and share something real if the other person isn’t really there?
Giving someone your full attention is a generous—and increasingly rare—gift. It’s also a precondition for moving beyond the superficial.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Be present.
This week, see if you can practice the simple—but challenging—art of being present when you’re with other people.
Notice when your mind wanders—or you get distracted—and bring your attention back to the present moment.
Repeat this step over and over and over again.
That’s it. That’s the whole practice.
Practicing being present with other people is essentially a mindfulness practice, but done in conversation instead of on a cushion.
Questions for reflection and conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—I love hearing from you!
How does it feel to be with someone who is fully present?
How about with someone who’s distracted or tuned out?
If you made it this far, you’ve got a great attention span … and you might like my newsletter! It delivers a connection tip to your inbox weekly.
Frenetic energy and inattention can hurt sometimes!