14. Vent and Validate ... it makes people feel heard.
How often do you feel truly heard?
Data point of the week
Studies on communication in the workplace show that when employees don’t feel listened to, it leads to low commitment, and increased burnout, job dissatisfaction, and turnover.
One study delved into what specific behaviors made employees feel heard vs. unheard. They found that employees generally felt heard when listeners were attentive, responded appropriately, and addressed their needs. There were three different responses that made employees feel unheard:
Shutting down the conversation (abruptly ending the conversation, rejecting requests without explanation)
Distracted listening, and
Superficial listening (appearing to listen, but failing to follow through on what was brought up)
Reflection
I’ve definitely experienced all of the above (you probably have too) and then some! Other common responses are:
The listener piles onto the vent with their own complaints. This can feel gratifying in the moment, but often leaves us feeling even more negative.
The listener goes into fixing mode. This may be helpful IF we’re looking for advice, suggestions, and an outside perspective. If we simply want to share how we’re doing and be heard, it doesn’t feel great to have someone try to “fix” things.
Sometimes people just need to let off a little steam … and be validated.
Connection Skill & Action Step: Validate
Validating simply means listening to someone and then responding by letting them know that whatever they’re feeling is valid (okay). Simple, yet powerful. It requires using our empathy muscle to grasp, reflect back, and normalize whatever the other person is going through.
Validating helps people feel heard, which can make it easier to let go of hurt, frustration, etc. and shift gears. Here are a few examples of validating phrases.
“That sounds really (aggravating, confusing, painful…)”
“Ugh, that must be SO (stressful, nerve-wracking, annoying…)”
“I hear you.”
“I totally get why you’re (frustrated, overwhelmed, hurt…) I would feel the same way in this situation.”
You can practice validating anytime someone expresses how they’re feeling, or you can try this simple exercise (people love this activity when I include it in connection-building workshops).
The Vent and Validate Exercise
To do this exercise, set aside about 10-minutes (such as at the beginning of a meeting, or with your family at dinner). If it’s a large group, break people into smaller groups of 3 or so.
Ask each person to choose something they’d like to vent about, that’s causing stress, frustration, or is taking up mental space.
You may want to set some parameters, such as, “Talk about your own experience rather than calling other people out.” And, “Choose something that’s a 4 or 5 on a 1-10 stress scale,” depending on how well people know each other and how much time you have.
After each person vents, the other person/people can validate. Try to refrain from offering advice or adding your own complaints to the vent.
This exercise invites sharing, helps people get to know each other better, and provides an opportunity to practice listening and validation skills.
Note: You don’t need to agree with someone to validate them.
Questions to reflect on or to spark conversation. Please share your responses in the comments—we love hearing from you!
What are your good, bad, and ugly venting experiences? (You can vent about venting if you want!)
Describe a time you really felt heard.
